Fears

As hard as I try to act tough, there are three things that make me want to run home and hide.

1. The garbage truck

It has been many sleeps since I last heard the shriek and rumble of the garbage truck and even longer since I saw it head on, but it is enough to last a lifetime. You may think I'm being dramatic, but to me the garbage truck is frightening. It is the biggest and strangest looking car I've ever seen. I think it likes to taunt me with its frequent starting and stopping. It wants me to lower my defences and think everything is fine then once it believes I've fallen for the trick, it will run me down. I've noticed it doesn't treat its rider well either. It makes him stand (not sit like in a normal car) outside in all temperatures. It's just a cruel, noisy machine. I don't know why Jenny isn't scared of it. Sometimes I think she is not as sensible as she appears.

2. The dark.

I really don't like being outside after dark. I hate not being able to see much past my nose. How am I supposed to protect my parents or myself if I can't see? What if something jumps out in front of us? I need advance notice of such things so I can formulate a plan. Daylight affords me this precious time. When deciding whether to attack or run I need to weigh the odds. The exception to this is bedtime. That is the only time I find the dark calming. During these moments the darkness helps me fall asleep even faster than usual.

3. The veterinarian.

I don't like visiting his house at all. He always has different animals there who look and smell scared. He also pokes at my teeth, claws, and sometimes gives me a needle or worse! I've been the victim of drugging on two occasions. Most recently, I woke up afterwards and was sore for days. I don't know why my parents keep taking me back there. I know they love me so they must have a reason. So what is the reason?

After these scary moments have passed I return to my regular self, but the memory is never far behind me. In fact it sometimes creeps into the present from the future. Jenny says that if I want to stop being scared I have to be courageous and face my fears head on. She makes it sound like a final showdown from a cowboy movie. Do I feel lucky?

With love & cuddles,
Lottie



Lesson# 28 Fears differ and overcoming them takes more than luck, it takes courage.

The lump

My parents tricked me! Instead of taking me on a fun car ride to the park, they took me to the veterinarian! They wanted to show the man the mysterious new lump on my belly. Don't they know how much I hate it there?

The awful smell was the first thing to hit me. The place looked very clean, but smelled like a mixture of bleach and other chemicals, in addition to the smell of fear. Humans probably don't notice this since their noses are not built for it, but animals give off a unique smell when they are afraid. Fear smells kind of earthy, sweaty, and sour. It doesn't make for a relaxing environment despite the good intentions of the people there.

The lady at the front spoke softly to me and even offered me a treat this time but I declined. It's hard to enjoy a snack when you're shaking from fear. After they weighed me I got to see the vet. He seemed nice enough, but he always pokes me! This time he decided that my lump needed to be removed and sent away to a lab for testing. My parents are hoping it is benign whatever that means. After the examination the man took me away and the next thing I remember was walking back down the hall and seeing my parents. I was so tired on the way home that I could barely keep my head up. Jenny told me that the vet gave me a sedative and a local anesthetic before removing the lump and sewing me back up.

That evening was rough. After the sedative wore off I felt the pain and whimpered frequently. Jenny stayed close by and did her best to soothe me, but things didn't get any better until the next day. The 2nd day brought discomfort and minimal movement. I found it hard to get comfortable and didn't do any jumping or running. My parents kindly picked me up and put me on the couch or chair whenever they noticed I wanted up. I've also slept a lot lately. It's just easier that way. My stitches were especially itchy on the 3rd day. I had to get sneaky with my scratching since Jenny was quick to stop me which was very frustrating. Things have improved each day since then.

I still don't understand why I got a lump, or why it had to be removed, but I know myself well enough to know that there is much I don't know, and will never know. The one thing I am most sure of is that my parents love me and will do their best to keep me healthy (even if it involves a small measure of deceit). If anyone wanted my recipe for happiness I would tell them that the two most important ingredients are love and health. As I learn more I will bark you the rest of the recipe...

With love & cuddles,
Lottie



Lesson# 24 Look after yourself and when you can't let those who love you help.